The Seven Deadly Sins
by Ruthie
Summary: 7 deadly sins, 6 stressed galaxy-hoppers, one storage cupboard and one man who is excruciatingly annoying. This cannot end well.


Title: The Seven Deadly Sins  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Author Notes: Tee-hee. Came up with this idea on a whim, as with most of my fics. Enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Summary: Seven deadly sins, six stressed-out galaxy-hoppers, one storage cupboard, and one man who is excruciatingly annoying. This cannot end well.  
  
Archive: My site, Heliopolis, Gateworld, Stargatefan, Jackfic, SamandJack.net, Fanfiction.net others please ask!  
  
Warnings: Mild language, mild sexual references  
  
~ The Seven Deadly Sins ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********  
  
Pride, Envy, Wrath, Sloth, Greed, Gluttony and Lust.  
  
**********  
  
Pride  
  
General Hammond looked at his reflection in Dr Fraiser's pocket-mirror and smiled. He looked handsome today. The top of his bald head was shining and as he turned around, the good doctor could see her reflection perfectly in it.   
  
"You're looking very well this morning, General Hammond," Janet commented. "I can see myself in the back of your head."  
  
"Yes," Hammond smiled, "I must say, I'm becoming very proud of my boyish good looks."  
  
"You enjoy them whilst you still have them, sir," Janet replied, with a wink, before leaving his office.   
  
"Yes, doctor," Hammond said, once she had left. "Ah, damn! George, you are one good-looking man! Oh, I'm so proud of what I've managed to achieve - I'm just simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone I ever met!"  
  
He was singing the last four lines so loudly that some of his pictures began to fall off of the walls.  
  
"Ah," he said, blowing out a satisfied breath.   
  
"General Hammond!" cried a familiar, high-pitched voice from behind him.  
  
Hammond turned around abruptly. "Who's there?" he asked sharply.  
  
"It's me!" the voice replied gleefully.  
  
"Urgo?" Hammond yelled, "How the hell did you get back here?"  
  
"I have come to help you, General, for you are in great danger."  
  
"From what? The Goa'uld?" Hammond asked, still regarding Urgo warily.  
  
"No, no, much worse than the Goa'uld, much worse!" Urgo continued, in a higher pitch.   
  
"What can possibly be worse than the Goa'uld?" Hammond asked.  
  
"You are committing the first deadly sin, General Hammond. The sin of pride! You must stop! You will be in great danger! Come on - I will make you safe!"  
  
"Where are you...Urgo!" Hammond shouted, "Where are you taking me?"  
  
"Somewhere where you will be safe, General Hammond. Safe from temptation! Oh, woe is me! I must warn the others, must warn them...no more sins, NO more!"  
  
With that, Urgo hurried off down the corridor towards the infirmary.  
  
**********  
  
Envy  
  
Janet Fraiser frowned as she looked across the infirmary at her fellow doctor, Eva Harper. She was tall and slim, with long blonde hair that trailed down to her waist and was tied in a red ribbon. She got all of the attention - it wasn't fair. Janet had been working here for a thousand times longer, but no - pretty, young Eva was getting all of the attention. She was the doctor to be treated by.  
  
Janet frowned again, and snarled as Eva leant over one of the male officers and he grinned in delight.  
  
"Careful, Eva," she snapped, "Wouldn't want to take his eye out!"  
  
"Are we jealous, Doctor?" Eva smiled wickedly.  
  
"Me?" Janet asked, "Jealous of you? Just because you wear a belt masquerading as a skirt, and pile three miles of make-up onto your face every day, it doesn't make you the queen around here!" She paused for breath, "I have been a doctor for many more years than you, and the only thing around here that cures people is my medicine - NOT your body."  
  
"Oh, she's definitely jealous," the officer whispered, just loud enough to hear, "Look - she's turning green already!"  
  
Janet let out a huff of disapproval and stormed out of the infirmary, heading towards Sam's lab. When she arrived, she found Sam sitting at her computer, working.  
  
Janet smiled. "Do you ever stop?"  
  
Sam grinned. "No."  
  
Janet sighed, and continued talking, "I'm just about ready to murder Eva."  
  
"Still sticking her assets in other people's faces?" Sam enquired, with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah," Janet said, wistfully. "I kinda envy her."  
  
Sam smarted. "Envy her? Oh, Jan, why? She should be the one envious of you!"  
  
"But she's popular, she's beautiful - the men won't keep their hands off of her."  
  
Sam smiled gently. "Janet, can you imagine how inconvenient it would be in your line of work if men couldn't keep their hands off of you?"  
  
Janet paused for a moment. "You have a point there."  
  
"Mm-hm," Sam said, "And Jack, Daniel and Teal'c see you as their friends. You don't need to throw yourself at them, Jan - Eva does. You've no need to envy her."  
  
"Thank you, Sam," Janet smiled, giving her friend a hug, "You always make things better."  
  
"Ah, me and chocolate," Sam called out, as Janet left her lab.  
  
Janet was halfway down the corridor when she heard hurrying footsteps behind her.  
  
"Doctor! Doctor, you must come with me!"  
  
"Urgo?"  
  
"Yes, it is I. You are all in trouble, Janet Fraiser, and I am the only one who can help."  
  
"How is that?" Janet questioned.  
  
"You have committed the second of the seven deadly sins - Envy. You must be cleansed, cleansed! Or you will be damned, damned!"  
  
"Ooo-kay," Janet said slowly, "Urgo, I'm going to walk away from you now."  
  
"No!" Urgo shouted, "Damned! Damned! You must be cleansed - it will not take long!"  
  
"Oh, will you leave me alone if I get cleansed?" Janet asked irritably.  
  
"Yes, yes, and you will be cleansed. Come with me!"  
  
**********  
  
Wrath  
  
Teal'c opened his eyes and frowned in annoyance as he heard rock music continually belting through the ceiling. It disrupted his Kelno'reem terribly, and he'd just had a terrifically bad mission. His shoulders and back were aching, and he would have given anything to give Lieutenant Shires (the man in the room above him) a good beating.  
  
It wasn't even good rock music - Teal'c had acquired some taste in rock music of the Tau'ri - and so Teal'c finally decided to go upstairs and make a comment about it.  
  
So he did. He knocked on the door of Lieutenant Shires' room. A tall, wiry man with limp brown hair and sideburns answered.  
  
"Yeah?" He asked, looking at Teal'c with something like disdain.  
  
"Would you mind lowering the volume of your musical enjoyment?" Teal'c asked, "It is interrupting my Kelno'reem."  
  
"And you're interrupting my Kel-no-reem," Shires replied, with a snort, "Go on, f*ck off!"  
  
"I do not believe I understand that instruction," Teal'c said, stonily, "But I believe you will understand this."  
  
He slammed his fist into Shires' nose, and watched as the young man fell to the floor, clutching his face. He entered the man's room, opened the CD player and removed the offending CD. He then snapped it in two across his knee, and walked out of the room, dusting his hands and whistling.  
  
He had not gone ten paces from the room when he heard hurried footsteps behind him.  
  
"Who is there?" he asked, turning round.  
  
"It's me!" a cheery voice replied, "Hiya, T! Missed ya!"  
  
Teal'c's eyebrows nearly met in the middle. "Urgo?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, that's me!" Urgo smiled, "Missed me, didn't ya?"  
  
"No." Teal'c replied.  
  
"Okay, listen - Teal'c, you're in trouble. You just committed the third deadly sin - wrath. You must come with me to be cleansed!"  
  
"I will not," Teal'c said, and began to walk in the opposite direction to Urgo.  
  
"Teal'c, you must you must you must you must!" Urgo pleaded, hanging off of the jaffa's arm. "You will be damned, damned, damned, damned, damned, damned..."  
  
"Desist!" Teal'c shouted, "I will come with you to be cleansed, on the grounds that you will leave me alone afterward!"  
  
"Done!" Urgo giggled, "Come on - off to be cleansed!"  
  
**********  
  
Sloth  
  
Daniel put down his pen and sighed irritably. That was the fourth pen that had run out within just three days of working. The SGC were obviously cutting their budget on stationery to accommodate for their massive electricity bill. He chucked the pen in the bin and heaved his aching body up out of his chair, heading towards the door. Now he was going to have to go all the way down the hall, open the stationary cupboard doors, get a pen out, go back down the hall again, close the door of his lab...  
  
He leant back in his chair and sighed, closing his eyes. He really couldn't be bothered. Instead, he reached for a cup of coffee that had been sitting on his desk for almost two days and took a sip. Maybe he'd get his research assistant to get the pen for him, he thought with a small smile. The smile disappeared when he remembered that his research assistant was taking a few days off to recover from his first (and last) mission with SG-1. It looked like he would have to undertake this latest boring mission for himself...  
  
...or he would get Janet to do it...  
  
Yes, that was a good idea. His best all day. In fact, he was about to pick up the telephone when someone tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Hello?" Daniel asked, swivelling around on his chair. "Who's there?"  
  
"Hi!" said a horribly familiar, cheery voice.  
  
"Oh, please tell me you're an alien-virus-induced hallucination," Daniel moaned, as the swivel chair miraculously moved back in the direction it started, without Daniel's help.  
  
"You're pleased to see me really!" the voice cried elatedly, "And so was Jack! He was thrilled!"  
  
"I bet he was," Daniel replied sarcastically, "Urgo, what the devil do you want?"  
  
"I came here to stop you from making a terrible mistake!" Urgo spluttered, "Terrible!"  
  
"Like what?" Daniel asked, "Getting a blue biro instead of a black one?"  
  
"No - from committing the fourth of the seven deadly sins - sloth!"  
  
Daniel's eyes began to glaze over. "What?" he asked.  
  
"The seven deadly sins!" Urgo repeated excitedly. "You see, there was this man, called Dante..."  
  
Daniel frowned. "Urgo, I know who he is, and I know what the seven deadly sins are, so why are you..."  
  
"You will all be killed! Teal'c, committing the third - wrath - Dr Fraiser, committing the second - envy - General Hammond, committing the first - pride - that only leaves Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill! We must get to them before they commit the seventh, fifth or sixth - Lust, Greed or Gluttony. Come on, Dr Jackson! Make haste!"  
  
"But..." Daniel protested, but Urgo was already hurrying out of the door, and he had hold of Daniel's belt.  
  
Unless Daniel wanted to be involved in an embarrassing situation, he had no choice but to follow him.  
  
**********  
  
Greed  
  
Jack sat in the commissary and grinned. On the table before him, he had the entire pile of napkins that the commissary owned. He was sat, delicately folding them and watching with glee, as the people around him grew steadily more annoyed with his behaviour.  
  
"Uh...can...I...have...a...napkin?" Graham Simmons asked nervously, standing at Jack's table.  
  
"Hmm...let's see...no, I don't have any napkins for you, Graham. Sorry!" Jack replied, smirking as Graham limped away.  
  
"He-he," Jack said, as he began to fold more napkins, and tucked into his fourth helping of green jello.   
  
"Uh...can...I...have...some...jello?" Graham asked. He'd limped back to the table, which was the young man's second mistake of the night.  
  
"Hmm...let's see...y - no, I don't have any jello for you, Graham," Jack replied, "Go away!"  
  
"But...you're...not going to be...able to eat all...of that...yourself!" he persisted.  
  
"Yeah?" Jack asked, "Graham, I only have 20 cartons here, for crying out loud! I have 20 cartons of jello for breakfast!"  
  
"Yes...sir..." Graham stammered, and left the table again.  
  
Jack snorted. "Ponce."  
  
He dug his spoon into the green jello and ate another mouthful, clearly enjoying the torment of those sitting around him.   
  
"Listen," he said, waving his spoon in the general direction of nobody, "I'm the CO of the flagship team here - I've had a hard mission, I'm stressed - is a guy not entitled to some chillout time, some food?"  
  
"Yes, but not all of it!" Someone shouted. Jack folded one of the napkins into a paper aeroplane and fired it at the offending commenter, who was promptly silenced.   
  
At that moment, a terribly familiar figure burst into the commissary and shrieked at the top of his voice:  
  
"Jack! Jack, oh, I'm so glad I found you! You are in great danger of-"  
  
"Urgo?" He asked in horror, "What the hell are you doing back here?"  
  
"Funny - a lot of people have said that to me today," Urgo continued, "Come, you must follow me. You must be cleansed!"  
  
"Of what?" Jack asked irritably.  
  
"You have committed the fifth of the seven deadly sins - Greed. You must be cleansed, or face damnation!"  
  
"You're gonna face damnation in a minute, Urgo!" Jack growled, rising out of his seat.  
  
Urgo giggled. "You are mistaken - you will be damned, damned, damned, damned, damned..."  
  
"Okay!" Jack said, putting his hands over his ears, "I get the picture! Take me to be cleansed, already!"  
  
**********  
  
Gluttony  
  
Sam sat back in the peaceful silence of her lab and absently rubbed her stomach.  
  
  
  
She needed chocolate, and she needed chocolate badly. Yes - all of the chocolate in the commissary would not be enough to stem her rising anger, to ease the pain, or just to stop her from feeling so generally crap. No, she thought, what you need is sleep. Sleep will always help...She closed her eyes and leant back in her chair, imagining the chocolate entering her mouth, imagining the sweet taste...  
  
Her eyes snapped open, her mind was made up. Chocolate was what she needed, and chocolate was what she must have. She flung open the door of her lab and snarled as she saw a young lieutenant standing outside of it. He had obviously not been warned to stay away from level 21 when Major Carter was suffering from stress.  
  
"Yes?" she asked, trying to keep her temper in check. This poor, innocent young man had, after all, done nothing to her.  
  
"I...well...I...G...sent...me...here. I...need...to.... ask..." The man stuttered.  
  
Sam's temper was rapidly running out.  
  
"WHAT?" She shouted. I'M STRESSED OUT, I'M TIRED, AND I'M TRYING TO GET TO THE F*CKING COMMISSARY TO GET SOME CHOCOLATE! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!"  
  
"Agh!" the man squeaked, and ran out of her way as she thundered out of her lab and down the corridor.  
  
Okay, Sam, calm down, she thought. Now, you're going to get some chocolate.   
  
Everything will be all right. The chocolate will make you happy again. The chocolate will ease all of your worries. Nice, chocolate. Don't rip that poor sergeant's head off...  
  
'That poor sergeant' had just entered her line of view. He appeared to be terrified of being in the same corridor as 'the stressed one' and beat a hasty retreat into the nearest bin. As Sam walked past, she could see his feet poking out of the hole.  
  
"Poor bastard," she muttered, "He must really be scared of me."  
  
When she arrived in the commissary, Sam sat down and began to demolish a huge pile of chocolate bars. She cleaned out the vending machine and sat at the table, poking the sweet food into her mouth with gusto. She stopped only when she felt a hand tapping her shoulder.  
  
"No, no, no!" It said, "You must stop, stop!"  
  
"What?" She asked, "Oh, my God - Urgo? What are you doing with my chocolate?"  
  
"You must stop eating, Major Carter!" Urgo pleaded.  
  
"URGO, I NEED THIS CHOCOLATE, AND I AM IN NO MOOD FOR ONE OF YOUR NEW OBSESSIONS!" Sam roared, stuffing another bar into her mouth and chewing appreciatively.   
  
"You are committing the sixth of the seven deadly sins - Gluttony! You must stop, now - or you will be damned, damned!"  
  
"URGO!" she roared, raising a fist threateningly.  
  
"You must come!" he said, grabbing hold of her arm and swinging on it, "You must be cleansed, cleansed!"  
  
"Cleansed of what?" Sam asked, trying to reach for more chocolate but failing.  
  
"SIN!" Urgo screeched, "You must be CLEANSED!"  
  
"ALRIGHT, ALREADY!" Sam shouted, "Just have me cleansed and then leave!"  
  
**********  
  
Lust  
  
Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal'c, Janet and General Hammond all met each other inside of a small storage cupboard. This was where Urgo had taken them to be cleansed.  
  
"Why the hell is he back here anyway?" Jack grumbled.  
  
"That is anybody's guess," Hammond said, "But he won't leave until we're all 'cleansed.'"  
  
"Been doing some research into Dante and the seven deadly sins," Daniel said, "I knew I should have taken that book off of him..."  
  
"You will be cleansed, CLEANSED!" Urgo cried happily, throwing a bucket of freezing cold water over them.  
  
"AGH!"   
  
"URGO!"  
  
"WHAT THE DEVIL WAS THAT FOR?"  
  
"YOU CALL THAT CLEANSED?"  
  
"INDEED."  
  
"OH, WHY?"  
  
They were all silent for a moment. General Hammond left the storage cupboard, shaking water from the bottom of his trousers and muttering in disgust.   
  
Fortunately, he was not around to witness what occurred next.  
  
"Wow. Jack, you're wearing a wet t-shirt."  
  
"Wow, Sam. You're also wearing a wet t-shirt."  
  
"Wow, Daniel. You're wearing a wet t-shirt."  
  
"Wow, Janet, you're also wearing a wet t-shirt."  
  
Teal'c grinned and backed out of the cupboard. Sam and Jack followed him out, but then ran off down the corridor together. Urgo smiled.  
  
"I wonder where they are going."  
  
The cupboard door slammed shut.  
  
"And I wonder why Daniel and Dr Fraiser are remaining in the cupboard."  
  
Teal'c grinned. "Urgo, I believe they are committing the seventh of the seven deadly sins - lust."  
  
Urgo paled. "NNNOOOO! THEY MUST BE CLEANSED, CLEANSED!"  
  
He ran off down the corridor, squealing: "YOU WILL BE DAMNED, DAMNED!"  
  
Teal'c just walked off in the other direction, his eyebrow raised in amusement.  
  
THE END 


End file.
